we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
