glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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