Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well I just put wine in my tea
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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