sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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