i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
