put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
