hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
