nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
