I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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