So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
