ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I FOUND THE LEGS
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