goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
