dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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