thus making me awesome and them whores
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
my god I love twenty year old dicks
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
