before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
