I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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