im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
