I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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