When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
