if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
