happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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