dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
