Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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