The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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