FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
