I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize