Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
