a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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