3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
