You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is the high leading the old right now
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
