theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
