dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
