Your face is a jimmy john
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
