how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
