Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
