I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
