Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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