I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
