yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
