i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
