either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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