The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We left the knife in your bed.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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