I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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