i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize