Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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