We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
