does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
