I'm really into asian looking animals
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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