12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
