That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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