Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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