Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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