You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
