I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
