Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
