I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
