I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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