he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
