census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
