I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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